Teaching Our Kids To Say No

Refusal skills are the ability to say "no" to a person. I try to pass these skills on to my DARE students. Anyone who has kids might think that their kids already know how to say "no." After all they tell us no all day long or so it seems..."Clean up your room" "Not now Mom" "Time to go to bed" "Awwwww!" They know how to let us know when they don't see eye-to-eye with us, but do they know how to say "no" when it counts. Do they know how to say know to a good thing that just won't fit into an otherwise already overcrowded schedule? Do they know how to say "no" to a good friend when they ask them to do something they know isn't good for them?
The ability to say "no" to things is something that societies have always passed on to their children. Fasting is a part of most religious traditions in some form or fashion. It serves several purposes, but one of its most basic functions is learning self-control, the ability to say "no."
The secret to teaching this ability to your children I believe is teaching by example. They need to see you looking opportunity in the face and being able to turn it down. When they see you use self control they are seeing that self control is possible. What kind of things can they see us turn down? Dessert or seconds, that new car that is really more about our ego than necessity, dating too soon after a divorce, the TV during dinnner time, our mobile phones during family time, the desire to speed when you're late, the desire to put other's down when they have hurt you. Our society is quickly losing all of its traditions that once passed the value of self-control on the next generation, but that doesn't mean you can't make efforts of your own to reinstitute some of these traditions. My kid's school challenges families to honor "TV turn off week." We always do it kicking and screaming at the beginning of the week, but we are always better for it by the end of the week. It is good for my kids to see me struggle with the desire to do something and decide not to do it, even though part of me wants to. It shows them that I can acknowledge my desires, but my desires aren't me. In fact I can rule over my desires. I can choose not to turn the TV on even when I'm tired after a long days work. I can choose not to buy a new car even though everyone else seems to have one. I can choose not to have dessert to honor the diet commitment I made.
I by no means have these mastered myself, but I do know that my kids are better for it when they see me demonstrate self-control and the ability to say "no" and I'm better too.