The fruit of the spirit

I have been thinking alot lately about character qualities which are or should be visible in the lives of people who are trying to follow God. Humility is a big one. Paul gives a list in Galatians 5 that includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These characteristics are not visible due to personal effort but rather surrender to God and his will. I have not surrendered to God this year. I haven't humbled myself. I have tried to exalt myself and have been disappointed when my efforts have not resulted in my exaltation. I have ignored God. I have convinced myself of my rightness and my enemies wrongness. I have tried with all my might to prove my worth. I question whether I have value to God where I am, whether I am doing enough. I have allowed myself to think that this place where I am right now has no value in itself but is only helpful as a stepping stone to something else. The something else is something that would bring glory to me. I would tell you that I believe in God and Jesus as his son but my life has not reflected that "belief." My life this past year has reflected self reliance and that I feel that I am alone. I feel lost and alone. God has tapped me on the shoulder several times this year and made me aware of his presence. I have generally appreciated those times and then totally forgotten them shortly after. I have wanted to be important this year. In 2008 I want to make a movement back towards humility, gentleness, forgiveness, understanding, and self-control. I want to stop trying to get what I want and surrender to God and his will. And I want to figure out how to lead while surrendering. This will be the only satisfying way forward.