Giving up on greatness

My mission for the next period of my life is to figure out how to not promote myself, how to not draw attention to myself, how to achieve without notice, how to love without being loved, how to support an agenda other than my own, how to be humble. So much of my life has been about, and continues to be about getting noticed, about promoting myself, about being good enough and earning my place among others. I have cared for too long what other people think about me, about how I look, and what I say. I want that to be different now. I am so utterly unaquainted with humility that I find it hard to live out. I don't know what it looks like. I have trouble not yelling "TaDa!!!" and pointing at my achievements. In fact I wonder is this blog entry just an attempt to grab a little glory for myself???

On the Pinto front I got the heater plate made, painted, and attached, but I haven't put the heater back in just yet. When we chained the Pinto to the trailer during the move we pinched a brake line, which I tried unsuccessfully to fix today. I'll buy a new one tomorrow. I'm also going to try to get the rest of the parts to mount and route the electric fuel pump.

We rented the movie "Spanglish" which was wonderful. A great story, interesting characters, and no fairy tale ending.

As a matter of prayer, I tested to get back on with local law enforcement agencies this last weekend. Pray that God would give me clarity about whether that is the best route to take. Pray also that God would help me to be patient and to be more concerned with becoming an admirable person than a person who has accompished admirable things.

The heat is on!

OK so I said I was going to keep the heater. I decided to fashion a sheet metal cover to take the place of the heater motor and to fill the hole in the Pinto's firewall. The picture here depicts the heater ducting, out of the car, with the heater motor hole and the heater motor sitting on the floor to the left of it.

The drawing here depicts the cover I made, for the hundreds of you out there following my directions. I cut it out of 22 gauge sheet metal with a pair of cheap tin snips. The drawing can also be used to draw the heads of many cartoon characters, ie. casper the friendly ghost.

I talked to the leader of the church plant we are going to help with today and we decided it would be a good idea for us to continue with the project. We see things differently on a few topics, but I'm excited to work with a group where we don't all have to agree about everything. I really want to use this opportunity in omaha to exeriment with doing bi-vocational ministry, that is working a regular job to support my family and having ministry be in addition. I'm actually getting excited about potentially getting back into law enforcement. We'll see where God leads. I might be completely wrong about bi-vocational ministry, maybe it will totally suck. Anyway in this next phase of the church plant we should start putting some flesh and tangibility on these great ambiguous philosophies we have. Anyway it should be exciting and help us figure out our place in the world.

How did we all get so petty?

I have had this idea bouncing around in my head for the last couple days at least, so here goes. How did our society become so petty? What is pettiness? I guess I think it is being small minded, short-term thinking, making sure I get what I got coming to me, not being able to overlook an offense. It just seems to me, possibly erroneously, that people were less petty in the past. I have to really fight it myself. When I have watched our kids all day and my wife comes home late from work(boy that sounds backwards) I naturally crab at her. When I am trying to read to my daughter and her active imagination takes her away from my story I snap at her. When someone cuts me off in traffic I ensure through hand gestures and explitives that they understand that I don't approve, because of course we all know that: 1. the offending driver is confused about whether I like being cut off, and 2. they can certainly hear me over the other traffic while all my windows are up.
Now I certainly feel that Jesus challenges me to leave my pettiness behind and ocassionally he helps me to live up to that. But I think our culture tries to encourage us in not so obvious ways to be petty. See if you can spot some of these ways and better yet ask the Holy Spirit to help you overcome them.

Lord help me to spot and overcome my pettiness.

On the Pinto front, I have a heater only Pinto and so I had to remove the blower motor to make room for the turbo in my car, as they were trying to occupy the same space. I finally decided today to keep the heater core and ducting even though I won't have the blower so that I can still defrost the windshield though only through the radiant heat of the core. I'm going to buy a piece of sheet metal to seal shut the hole into the passenger compartment where the blower motor went.

Evangelicalism is the religion of the rich

It has struck me lately how much evangelicalism caters primarily to the well to do. As I have worked at this job and dealt with the feeling of rejection of not getting interviews for other jobs, which I know I could do, I have realized that my "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" evangelical worldview doesn't work for alot of people. They haven't grown up in a world where that has been proven by experience, where there parents worked hard and it paid off, where hard working parents lives got progressively better and better materially. It seems like we measure an awful lot by material things too. Dress right, talk right, smell right, right kind of house and car, then we like you. Dress different, talk different, smell bad, live in a crappy house trailer and drive a junker and we keep our eye on you.
Whether you agree or not I see a need for a change. My question is can an expression of faith transcend socio-economic classes? Can an expression of faith speak to several different social classes? Or is each social class a separate culture in need of its own specifically targeted ministry or expression of faith? I used to think that they were separate cultures, but I don't know that Jesus or the apostles treated things in this way.

Is the culture of Omaha really rejecting organization?

I had some interesting insights at work today. By the way I have a job now as a delivery driver for Napa Auto Parts, which has been interesting. But anyway I spent yesterday driving around with a 19 yoa guy. SURPRISE he has some different priorities than myself. After sharing about our lives all day it was time for me to explain why I was in Omaha. I laid out my grand vision for a church, among other things, that would not be held back by material things like a building and a pastor's salary. I then let the dust settle after my incredible and compelling presentation of my ideas using origami and cigarette butts found in the cab of our truck to illustrate. To my great surprise he thought that would be great for me but he actually liked the peaceful feeling the huge grand catholic church he goes to has and how would the pastor make a living he wondered. Hmmmm?
Today I rode with a 22 yoa married guy. He and his wife both work and he likes to relax by drinking most nights. As we drove around he wondered aloud whether there is a church of christ in the area because that is where he went growing up.
So both these young guys still see the institutionalized church as a place of refuge. I'm sure they may see some problems, but largely they see it as a good place.
It seems just possible to me that, at least for Omaha, abandoning the institutional church is not necessary if trying to meet those who have had some kind of church background. I wonder how many people have some kind of church background in Omaha?
No Pinto progress yet.

The top of my dresser

The top of my dresser in my bedroom is covered with all kinds of different crap. Some stuff I will need for a long time like my CD player and some stuff I need to throw away like my sky high and war of the worlds ticket stubs. Some stuff I'll need in the long run and some stuff I just need for a few more days. Some stuff of value and some stuff of only sentimental value. This entry, well and maybe all my entries are alot like the top of my dresser.
I saw 3 movies in the last week. War of the worlds, for the second time, what an incredible movie. There are several scenes in there that just seem fresh out of my nightmares. Another was the aviator. Interesting movie, but I'm not sure I got the point. Last was the rundown, with the rock. Fun action movie, good escapism.
I think my wife and I came to the beginnings of some closure about the 2 churches we have been involved with so far. One seems to hold some hope for us as at least a place to help us figure out what our church might look like if not ending up to be that church itself. The other has been a nice camping spot, but I think our time their is done.
We had my brother and his family over and our neigbors over tonight for a cook out, 6 adults, 8 kids. We had a great time and I think formed some good bonds with our neighbors.
I start a new job tomorrow morning at Napa auto parts at 84th & Giles. I think it will be fun job and nice change, a good place to meet people and make some friends. Maybe even get a discount on Pinto parts!
Pinto-wise, I took off the engine hoist chain today and fixed a wiring harness connector that was loose. Its been too hot to get excited about being in the garage lately.
God, help us to feel your presence and act out of your love as we move into the uncharted territory of your future for our lives. Help me to have patience and wisdom to navigate this territory. Help me to be a source of hope and joy to those around me. Thank you so much for everything. Drowned me in christ-like humility.

I heard God's voice

Sorry its been awhile. I've been working on the only room of the house that is all mine. Its my library/guitar studio/fortress of solitude. Its great now...but no headway on the Pinto.
Anyway back to the subject of my epiphany. For those of you that care I moved to Omaha under the impression that this is where God wanted me to come. I have felt accutely that the culture of the US, if not more broadly, has switched from a modern one (dominated by certainty, clear boundaries, absolutes, & authority figures) to a post-modern one (dominated by uncertainty more than certainty, gray foggy areas rather than clear boundaries, a reality that is more relative to specific situations than absolute, & who will listen to anyone rather than just a few authority figures). I believe because of this the church has to change. The change I'm sure will come slow, but it needs to be led by a few churches in this generation to pave the way for change for the next generation. Anyway my family and I moved out to Omaha to hopefully plant such a church. I don't know where within Omaha, I don't know how, I don't know who with, nor do I know exactly what it will look like. What I am doing right now is networking with people and trying to be open to find wisdom from them, to find friends and emotional support from among them, and maybe bump into a few like minded people who can join me in this journey. God led me to 2 in the last 2 days. One of them had completely given up on the "institutional" church (I'm not exactly sure what the boundaries of the institutional church are). His believes that once a "legitimate" church is started almost immediately its primary purpose becomes self-preservation rather than love and service to others. Definetly some truth there I would say. I guess after a little reflection I would say I still think there could be hope for more "institutional" type church models as long as they are willing to make drastic and constant changes. One that I am seriously considering is being a bi-vocational pastor. I think drawing a salary from the church colors the decisions a pastor makes and keeps him from being completely honest intellectually and in other ways too. I need to continue to think about how to orchestrate a church to avoid the goal of self-preservation. I'm sure open to suggestions. The other person I got together with told me of their last 2 years of ministry under a lying, manipulative, selfish senior pastor. It sounded like a really crummy situation. So what is the common thread I wondered. I think I learned a couple of things. First, I learned that I need to start conversations with people in such a way as to make them comfortable to share their true thoughts and not just what they think I want to hear. What I learned about the institutional church guy is still a complete mystery to a fellow church planter who has invested in this man and doesn't know why he won't join him. How many times in the past has my own attitude kept those around me from sharing their true feelings with me? Second, I believe God is trying to tell me that the shape of the pastoral leadership in this church plant will need to be different than models I've seen in the past, different than that designed by an authority figure culture. One less concerned with power, success, & prestige.
Is that even possible? Is the anti-institutional guy right?

Bonus Movie Reviews:
Be Cool - saw it on DVD it proved conclusively that just because Uma Thurman and John Travolta are dancing and smoking cigarettes the movie won't be good. No story, boring unoriginal characters, I never bought that John's character cared about the singer he was supposed to be promoting in the movie. Just bad, a wasted night. The book must have been btter than the movie.

Sky High - GREAT movie. You have to be familiar with superhero culture(watch some of the 60s Batman TV series and a few of the recent superhero movies) to get some of the jokes which are really funny. It has a soundtrack of remakes of 80's pop music which was fun. It dosen't take it self to seriously. It has some "Kids in the hall" cast members as teachers at the superhero high school and they are really funny. Fun story and characters.